Finding Your Way

Letter to My Ex…Last Letter (Possibly)

Over the past seven years my ex would break up with me every three to six months and I always took him back. Despite never hearing the words “I love you”, never meeting his dad and him not taking me around friends, family or events, I always chose him because I believe relationships take work and he was my person even if I wasn’t his. The day finally came where I started to choose myself and he never looked back, he didn’t fight for us. I wrote him his last and final letter letting him know the realization I had after all of the emotional, narcissist abuse and how much I needed to choose me.

I contemplated if I would share the letter but then I realized I know I am not the only hurt soul out there that had been taken advantage of, manipulated, lost all self-worth and lied to throughout a relationship. I knew that I was not the only one who was a giver and their partners were takers. I want to give back and let people know it is okay to choose yourself. We often hope that when we choose ourselves that our life partner will be supportive, want to build with you but that wasn’t the point of the letter. The point was that I had come to a realization that no matter what I did, he wasn’t going to choose me, unless I was having sex with him and that was the extent of us. So here we go.

Dear Ex,

Just getting back from the gym. Sort of thankful you haven’t been there the past couple days. But also hoping you are at least working out at home. I know I shouldn’t care about what you are doing but no matter what, I care and love you dearly. I have always wanted what is best for you even though it may seem I don’t.

I got out of the shower, laid on my bed in my towel, played solitaire and things started flowing in my mind. A realization of us, of you, and who I am and who you are, and where we are in life. Where I want to be and whom I want.

I realized no matter what I did in the past or present or in the near future is going to make you ready or want a wife or someone love/caring/giving like me. No matter what I say or how I react (good or bad) is going to make you love me. No matter how much I do for you, us, our family, it won’t make you want to stay and be a better boyfriend/husband/lover or best friend.

I realized you aren’t ready. You want to be single. You want the opportunity to see if there is anything else out there (eventually). I realized that you are still that broken scared boy you were when we met. Trying to please everyone else (family, friends, society norms) and not wanting to grow (really grow) to fix himself. And maybe I am wrong in all my thoughts but I guess we (I) will never know because you chose to go have dinner& beers on Monday, you chose not to call me back like you said you would on Tuesday, you chose to ignore my texts (sometime, most of the time, it’s my way of crying out, reaching out to you!), you chose to ignore the email invites.

There is NOTHING I can say, do, cry, act out, for you. For someone who isn’t ready. For someone who doesn’t actually feel in love. For someone who carries anger and disgust for someone they once loved. For someone that worry’s about what his friends and family will think. For someone who has never actually chosen me. I CHOSE YOU! You NEVER actually ever chose me.

I can’t continue to love someone more than they love themselves. With me loving and giving you so much, I was giving away the self-love and taking away from myself. I kept wondering why I had so little self-worth. It’s because I was giving away so much of myself, physically, emotionally, monetarily, that I had nothing else to give. And I wasn’t getting those things back in return to satisfy my needs and hunger or drive.

I have learned that my tank was almost empty. (Hence my suicidal thoughts.) I needed you! I needed you to be there, be supportive, love, give, even an ounce of what I was giving you. And you couldn’t.

I am really sorry that this is so heavy. That we couldn’t talk, that I couldn’t hold you while you cried these past couple of days. But you were already grieving s relationship that was over and didn’t want me or need me to hold you (Hence your silence lately), you were trying to be strong to let me walk away or gain the courage to walk away yourself. You have felt this way since the beginning of 2019. It was either go all on, ask me to move in or walk away, it just so happen, I flipped out April 2019, to make it easy for you and we never recovered. I kept trying and you were guarded and by the time I was ready, you became guarded.

I wanted, was hoping, these talks would come to the conclusion that we were in love and want to help each other while we work on ourselves, our relationship, careers, business, etc. Finally jump into the pool of vulnerability.

That day, that talk, that safeness never came. And how could it? Especially when there is an unwilling partner.

I realized today, I am in love with you. Madly, deeply in love with you and myself. This is why I fight everyday for us but most importantly, MYSELF!

I deserve to live. I deserve to have love in my life. I deserve to be a warrior and not feel like a survivor. I deserve to feel safe in the world and in my own home. But most of all, I deserve gratitude and respect. So, I realize, today, I choose me. My future partner. The person that allows me to love myself, him, family, friends and so much more. The person that will CHOOSE me, for me. Truly accept me and my flaws. But for NOW, I am choosing, ME!

Love, Kass XoXo

Letter to my ex written in October 2021 after trying for 2years and 6 months to fix the relationship and couples therapy.

The realization that I didn’t have a choice but to walk away was so hard and really heartbreaking. Especially after fighting for the love of my life for seven years. But I realized it was very one sided. I was in love with him and he cared for me. He (we) really enjoyed our sex life. “I don’t want to sleep with anyone other than you”, He said. Maybe that is all we were these past few months since we split in June. I don’t know why we kept “trying” other than the sex and comfort on his end.

Perspective is the way we see things when we look at them from a certain distance and it allows us to appreciate their true value.

Rafeal E. Pino

Do you know what the hardest part in all of this is? Not knowing all of your own faults, remembering that it takes two people in any relationship. I most definitely have to blame myself too. For the reactions to his actions or lack there of. Also for staying in the relationship so long without sticking to my boundaries and things I felt I deserved.

Through this I have learned so much so I don’t regret any part of this. I actually am learning to give myself grace through this. I am learning to love myself again and believe it or not I love and respect my ex a hell of a lot more for the lessons I have learned and for helping me see where I go wrong in life. Changing your thought process to see the bigger picture isn’t easy. Though remembering that like relationships and friendships, being the best version of yourself today for tomorrow, also takes work.

Whatever the case I am taking steps and putting in the work for myself to continue to grow, looking at my faults and push myself beyond comfort. The best realization I have had in a very long time. Sadly but happily, this is my last letter to you, my greatest love, well possibly.

Finding Your Way, self growth

Moving On. Is it Easy or Not? Learning To Deal with Change

Moving on can be easy for some. It may depend on what you are moving on from. Moving on is learning to deal with change. Change is never easy but can be done if you have support and the tools to do so. Below we will go over some tips that have helped me over my crazy emotions when they got the best of me. It is okay to take your time to process and go through the change. Especially when you are doing it in a healthy way.

The past year and a half has come with a ton of change. I had to learn to cope, learn to be okay with change, okay with walking away from family members, learn to push myself beyond any limits I have ever had before. It all really hit me when my relationship took a turn. I was faced with more heart break than anyone could imagine. I felt so alone and scared. Even though I had (have) friends by my side, I was alone in this.

She didn’t raise me, really, I grew up in foster care after I turned 13

Being alone when you are going through change can be our own perceptions. Are we truly alone? Not really. We seclude ourselves. At least that is what I learned I was doing. Moving on from yourself and the events in our lives takes time and the tools to process.

The first thing I did after I finally aloud myself to break apart and breakdown, I drank a ton. I couldn’t be alone. I had to be with people all of the time, drinking and partying, I did this for 2 months after our split. It hit me all of a sudden, “This isn’t me, this isn’t who I want to be, my mom didn’t raise me like this.” (Though she didn’t raise me, really, I grew up in foster care after I turned 13) I was in therapy and my therapist told me to cut out certain things. So I will leave you with this as a starting point of healing and coping to move on from whatever it is you are working through. Here you go:

  • Learn to Cope Ahead of Time
  • Cut out Sugar
  • Cut out drinking caffeine
  • No Drugs or alcohol (It is okay to limit if to start) (Baby steps, remember!)
  • Get into the gym
  • For every negative there should be at least 2-3 positives

Moving on isn’t ever easy

That is just a small list of things to help you get through coping and deal with change. Change effects everyone differently and that is okay. If you take the list of tools I listed above to just start out, you will do the rest on your own. I will continue to give you tools as I create some of my own that work for me. Just start with a few steps for a bit and then add more as you get to a good place. Make sure you are taking time for you to listen to your emotions.

Moving on isn’t ever easy. No matter if it is you doing the breaking up, being broken up with, unexpected death, miscarriages, loss of job, etc. It is a change in our lives that is being stirred up that we are really dealing with and coming to terms with. Practice the ways to help you cope with change in life. Reach out to someone if you get to a hard place, we all come to that point in our lives. It is learning how to cope with moving on with the change in our lives.

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Communication, Finding Your Way, self growth

Becoming…

I am sitting here in this coffee shop/bar in Capital Hill. A place I have wanted to come to. I made it! I wasn’t going to come out of the house today after all of the heartbreak, anger and confusion this weekend. But here I am. Pushing myself to continue to love myself and grow.

It is important, for me anyway, when I am angry, feeling down or lost that I don’t sit around and sulk. I want to, don’t get me wrong. Through any process, it is important to change perspectives, try and maintain positive and remain hopeful. All is not lost. I am becoming the person and woman I have always wanted to be. I know it is in me, it always has been. I am learning that perseption is everything.

I have always had a negitive outlook on life. I blamed my thoughts and actions on my past and how I grew up. I am becoming very grateful for the pain and past I have gone through. Through each painful aspect of my life, I have learned great things.

This weekend I did something with the man I am in love with and probably shouldn’t have. I again was testing my limits. I thought that because it was him, I would be okay, that it wold be okay. It isn’t. I wasn’t okay after. I looked deep inside myself and what I want out of life; In a relationship, self love and self respect. What I have found becuase of this is that I need to communicate my feelings, good or bad. We all do.

I was angry and hurt with myself and so was he for what we did. But why? I was angry because I know where my heart is. I know where I want to be. I have this vision in my head of us and myself as a partner and individual. Crossing boundaries and becoming okay with the ideas that play in my head is pushing me further in my growth and that is the part of me that hurts. I am okay with walking away from all of the ideas.

At the very least today, I walked out of the house. Worked on myself, took a step out, worked on my business, and did some self reflection. I am becoming the greatest me!

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Talk to you all again soon! Inspired Adonis XoXo

by Inspired Kass

Finding Your Way, self growth

Loving Between The Lines

We all hear the phrase, “Reading Between the Lines” but we never think about loving between the lines. What if we stopped, just take a step back in situations? Whether at work or if your in a relationship or single, take time for yourself. Take time to love yourself and when you do this, you will realize a bigger picture. The things we often forget. The things we often don’t realize.

I was in a relationship for almost five years and we had our issues. The most disturbing and hurtful issue that caused part of the end of our relationship was that he never told me he loved me and I didn’t feel like he showed me or ever chose me. He never said how we were going to build our future. I knew what I wanted and I expressed it on top of showing him love. He always tells me that he was showing me. (Yes, we still talk, for now.) To me, he was an amazing and caring person so none of that mattered because that was already him and I didn’t see a difference.

We saw each other recently and spent a couple hours together. We were supposed to talk and I couldn’t really say what was on my mind. I just wanted him there and not disturb the quite and love we were sharing. I was afraid of his answers, his reaction. Driving away was so hard. I felt like we just broke up all over again. So when I woke up the next morning, I felt heartbroken all over again. I was heartbroken because I was realizing that I may have to walk away from him for good. All because I couldn’t love between the lines or communicate.

He loved me, he fell in love with me at some point and in the thick of the relationship, I didn’t realize he fell. Taking a step back and going through the emotions, I realized, HE DID. As I was telling my best friend how I knew he loved me, the feelings resonated deeper inside me. When he would call me, “Lovely”, that was his way of saying “I love you!” I was so hell bent on hearing the words, I Love You, that I didn’t stop to think, this was HIS way of telling me. How many other ways were there in my life that I had done this? In my relationships, in my career or friendship or even with myself.

I started to love myself and listen to my inner thoughts, my inner voice and love myself between the lines. I started to pick apart the love within myself. Now that I am doing this, so many things are becoming clearer. This morning, sitting in the drive through of Starbucks crying, not wanting to go to the office, I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling. I am learning to love myself between the lines. Taking time!

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Finding Your Way

Finding Strength in Vulnerability

When push comes to shove, we all have to deal with our feelings and emotions. Even when we don’t want to deal. Life will make you deal. Today I was able to feel my feelings & deal with them. I felt so dirty today. I wanted to run away and couldn’t. My career is on the line. Knowing that people can come into your life & take things from you. Today I felt raped all over again. I gave myself to someone in ways I don’t know that I ever want again. I have never said this openly & so public. But when I was 13 years old I was raped twice by two seperate men and molested by my step dad in the same year. I have my way in life, for myself and to be loved. Today was the day I had to start dealing with it all over again. He took something from me that I can never get back. And now I have to be a strong, independent, driven woman. We lost our baby (Well I lost the baby, he never wanted kids) a year ago and I’ve had a hard time coping and could never find the words or strength to talk to him about it. I wish I would have because then we would, I would, be in a better place. The baby would have been one on April 1st. Today is the day, I begin to face everything again, head on.

-Finding Strength in Vulnerability

(Details will be in the memoir I hope to finish. It’s about the rape, molestation by the man my mom is still married to, living on my own at the age 17 after going through group homes and foster care, the physical abuse in a relationship and being hospitalized from it, loving a man and never being loved back and losing our baby that could have been.)

woman sitting in front of tree
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