Finding Your Way

Past Years Deaths turned Strength

Never in my life did I think that I would go through so much in a eight month span, better yet a whole year or so of tragic and mentally straining events. In that time I went through a miscarriage after a break up (don’t worry, one day I will write about him), and three people I cared about and loved passed away. Death has always been of major fear of mine. Not so much me dying but others around me and it happened and I didn’t know how to cope and felt like I didn’t have anyone to turn to. In March 2018, my grandmother passed away. She was the most beautiful and fierce woman I knew. She and my grandfather had their own battles through marriage and it made her a great mother and grandmother for it. They were married until the day she passed (I guess they still are in death). She helped raise me before I went into group homes and foster care. So, her passing made it that much harder on me. I felt like I was going to for sure be alone in this world. That I was not okay with. In April 2018, our unborn child would have been born and my friend Laura committed suicide. I couldn’t even bring myself to go to her vigil or funeral. I hadn’t even began to deal with my grandma being gone. In May 2018, after coming back from an eventful Memorial Day camping trip (that is a story in itself), I found out that they had found my cousin downtown Denver, dead from a drug overdose. I was so beyond numb at this point, I was in rage, disbelief, hurt, alone and grasping at every emotion I could to stay alive. To this day, it is a battle. My grandma’s death anniversary came and went. I couldn’t deal with it. The guy I was dating at the time was dealing with his own battles. So here I was figuring out my own emotions. It finally all hit me when I realized that our child would have been one. And I know most are probably saying owe well it wasn’t even a baby, it was just a fetus. But for me, that was a future, that was going to be a human being I could raise the right way, a love I could have as my own and share. I have my tubes tied and I am not supposed to get pregnant so for me, it was everything. At the time, everything I wanted and with Mike none the less. He would have made a wonderful father. A choice that wasn’t even mine to keep. Now Laura, this hit me harder than I thought it would but I think it was because I tried committing suicide in my early 20s and now I was able to see what it did to people. Leaving them behind, struggling financially and struggling mentally. But no one really knows what people are going through. We are all so self involved. I think we try to ask for help in our own ways and when we don’t feel heard, we make bad choices. My cousin, oh how I miss him dearly. I miss his slanted smile and us playing at grandmas house. My grandma helped raise me, my brother, my cousin and his brother. He was like a brother to me and we were only a year apart. I just wish we would have stayed closer to each other. Maybe I could have been there for him the way I need(ed) someone to be there for me. Through all of these events and emotions, I am pushing through to find the strength to go on and build myself up. I want to be strong and grow so I can help others. I am dedicated to being committed to myself and being a beautiful, strong, more loving woman. If it weren’t for this past year and all the death, a guy who couldn’t love me or wouldn’t, the miscarriage, the sexual harassment in the work place, I wouldn’t be here striving and growing in my career and as a human being. There is usually light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to see it within yourself and grow from it. Take all the bad and try to turn it around. It isn’t easy and it takes a lot (A LOT) of practice. If you want it bad enough, you will thrive and have the strength in the end to push forward and make the best for yourself. -Find Your Inner Strength or Find Someone to Give you a Boost along the way.
Finding Your Way

Finding Strength in Vulnerability

When push comes to shove, we all have to deal with our feelings and emotions. Even when we don’t want to deal. Life will make you deal. Today I was able to feel my feelings & deal with them. I felt so dirty today. I wanted to run away and couldn’t. My career is on the line. Knowing that people can come into your life & take things from you. Today I felt raped all over again. I gave myself to someone in ways I don’t know that I ever want again. I have never said this openly & so public. But when I was 13 years old I was raped twice by two seperate men and molested by my step dad. I have my way in life, for myself and to be loved. Today was the day I had to start dealing with it all over again. He took something from me that I can never get back. And now I have to be a strong, independent, driven woman. We lost our baby (Well I lost the baby, he never wanted kids) a year ago and I’ve had a hard time coping and could never find the words or strength to talk to him about it. I wish I would have because then we would, I would, be in a better place. The baby would have been one on April 1st. Today is the day, I begin to face everything again, head on.

-Finding Strength in Vulnerability

(Details will be in the memoir I hope to finish. It’s about the rape, molestation by the man my mom is still married to, living on my own at the age 17 after going through group homes and foster care, the physical abuse in a relationship and being hospitalized from it, loving a man and never being loved back and losing our baby that could have been.)

woman sitting in front of tree
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