Finding Your Way

Letter to My Ex…Last Letter (Possibly)

Over the past seven years my ex would break up with me every three to six months and I always took him back. Despite never hearing the words “I love you”, never meeting his dad and him not taking me around friends, family or events, I always chose him because I believe relationships take work and he was my person even if I wasn’t his. The day finally came where I started to choose myself and he never looked back, he didn’t fight for us. I wrote him his last and final letter letting him know the realization I had after all of the emotional, narcissist abuse and how much I needed to choose me.

I contemplated if I would share the letter but then I realized I know I am not the only hurt soul out there that had been taken advantage of, manipulated, lost all self-worth and lied to throughout a relationship. I knew that I was not the only one who was a giver and their partners were takers. I want to give back and let people know it is okay to choose yourself. We often hope that when we choose ourselves that our life partner will be supportive, want to build with you but that wasn’t the point of the letter. The point was that I had come to a realization that no matter what I did, he wasn’t going to choose me, unless I was having sex with him and that was the extent of us. So here we go.

Dear Ex,

Just getting back from the gym. Sort of thankful you haven’t been there the past couple days. But also hoping you are at least working out at home. I know I shouldn’t care about what you are doing but no matter what, I care and love you dearly. I have always wanted what is best for you even though it may seem I don’t.

I got out of the shower, laid on my bed in my towel, played solitaire and things started flowing in my mind. A realization of us, of you, and who I am and who you are, and where we are in life. Where I want to be and whom I want.

I realized no matter what I did in the past or present or in the near future is going to make you ready or want a wife or someone love/caring/giving like me. No matter what I say or how I react (good or bad) is going to make you love me. No matter how much I do for you, us, our family, it won’t make you want to stay and be a better boyfriend/husband/lover or best friend.

I realized you aren’t ready. You want to be single. You want the opportunity to see if there is anything else out there (eventually). I realized that you are still that broken scared boy you were when we met. Trying to please everyone else (family, friends, society norms) and not wanting to grow (really grow) to fix himself. And maybe I am wrong in all my thoughts but I guess we (I) will never know because you chose to go have dinner& beers on Monday, you chose not to call me back like you said you would on Tuesday, you chose to ignore my texts (sometime, most of the time, it’s my way of crying out, reaching out to you!), you chose to ignore the email invites.

There is NOTHING I can say, do, cry, act out, for you. For someone who isn’t ready. For someone who doesn’t actually feel in love. For someone who carries anger and disgust for someone they once loved. For someone that worry’s about what his friends and family will think. For someone who has never actually chosen me. I CHOSE YOU! You NEVER actually ever chose me.

I can’t continue to love someone more than they love themselves. With me loving and giving you so much, I was giving away the self-love and taking away from myself. I kept wondering why I had so little self-worth. It’s because I was giving away so much of myself, physically, emotionally, monetarily, that I had nothing else to give. And I wasn’t getting those things back in return to satisfy my needs and hunger or drive.

I have learned that my tank was almost empty. (Hence my suicidal thoughts.) I needed you! I needed you to be there, be supportive, love, give, even an ounce of what I was giving you. And you couldn’t.

I am really sorry that this is so heavy. That we couldn’t talk, that I couldn’t hold you while you cried these past couple of days. But you were already grieving s relationship that was over and didn’t want me or need me to hold you (Hence your silence lately), you were trying to be strong to let me walk away or gain the courage to walk away yourself. You have felt this way since the beginning of 2019. It was either go all on, ask me to move in or walk away, it just so happen, I flipped out April 2019, to make it easy for you and we never recovered. I kept trying and you were guarded and by the time I was ready, you became guarded.

I wanted, was hoping, these talks would come to the conclusion that we were in love and want to help each other while we work on ourselves, our relationship, careers, business, etc. Finally jump into the pool of vulnerability.

That day, that talk, that safeness never came. And how could it? Especially when there is an unwilling partner.

I realized today, I am in love with you. Madly, deeply in love with you and myself. This is why I fight everyday for us but most importantly, MYSELF!

I deserve to live. I deserve to have love in my life. I deserve to be a warrior and not feel like a survivor. I deserve to feel safe in the world and in my own home. But most of all, I deserve gratitude and respect. So, I realize, today, I choose me. My future partner. The person that allows me to love myself, him, family, friends and so much more. The person that will CHOOSE me, for me. Truly accept me and my flaws. But for NOW, I am choosing, ME!

Love, Kass XoXo

Letter to my ex written in October 2021 after trying for 2years and 6 months to fix the relationship and couples therapy.

The realization that I didn’t have a choice but to walk away was so hard and really heartbreaking. Especially after fighting for the love of my life for seven years. But I realized it was very one sided. I was in love with him and he cared for me. He (we) really enjoyed our sex life. “I don’t want to sleep with anyone other than you”, He said. Maybe that is all we were these past few months since we split in June. I don’t know why we kept “trying” other than the sex and comfort on his end.

Perspective is the way we see things when we look at them from a certain distance and it allows us to appreciate their true value.

Rafeal E. Pino

Do you know what the hardest part in all of this is? Not knowing all of your own faults, remembering that it takes two people in any relationship. I most definitely have to blame myself too. For the reactions to his actions or lack there of. Also for staying in the relationship so long without sticking to my boundaries and things I felt I deserved.

Through this I have learned so much so I don’t regret any part of this. I actually am learning to give myself grace through this. I am learning to love myself again and believe it or not I love and respect my ex a hell of a lot more for the lessons I have learned and for helping me see where I go wrong in life. Changing your thought process to see the bigger picture isn’t easy. Though remembering that like relationships and friendships, being the best version of yourself today for tomorrow, also takes work.

Whatever the case I am taking steps and putting in the work for myself to continue to grow, looking at my faults and push myself beyond comfort. The best realization I have had in a very long time. Sadly but happily, this is my last letter to you, my greatest love, well possibly.

Finding Your Way

Finding Strength in Vulnerability

When push comes to shove, we all have to deal with our feelings and emotions. Even when we don’t want to deal. Life will make you deal. Today I was able to feel my feelings & deal with them. I felt so dirty today. I wanted to run away and couldn’t. My career is on the line. Knowing that people can come into your life & take things from you. Today I felt raped all over again. I gave myself to someone in ways I don’t know that I ever want again. I have never said this openly & so public. But when I was 13 years old I was raped twice by two seperate men and molested by my step dad in the same year. I have my way in life, for myself and to be loved. Today was the day I had to start dealing with it all over again. He took something from me that I can never get back. And now I have to be a strong, independent, driven woman. We lost our baby (Well I lost the baby, he never wanted kids) a year ago and I’ve had a hard time coping and could never find the words or strength to talk to him about it. I wish I would have because then we would, I would, be in a better place. The baby would have been one on April 1st. Today is the day, I begin to face everything again, head on.

-Finding Strength in Vulnerability

(Details will be in the memoir I hope to finish. It’s about the rape, molestation by the man my mom is still married to, living on my own at the age 17 after going through group homes and foster care, the physical abuse in a relationship and being hospitalized from it, loving a man and never being loved back and losing our baby that could have been.)

woman sitting in front of tree
Photo by Caique Silva on Pexels.com

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Getting to Know Myself Through Seattle Part 1

Well, check that off a major bucket list! 1) Come on, it’s Seattle! 2) Getting to know yourself, while in Seattle. Wait! Let me say it again, GETTING TO KNOW YOURSELF, while in the Great Seattle! Let me remind you, I’m a native to the beautiful “Colorful Colorado.” Never have I come across such overwhelming feeling of emotion for beauty, morbid beauty, (I’ll explain later), self love, career, past faults and growth in so many aspects of my life. I was so angry going to Seattle, I didn’t want to go.

Being angry to go to the one place you have dreamed of was so confusing. I didn’t care to go through all of the emotions of all of the loss I had experienced in the past year and all of the possible loss I could face in the future. I was lost being in Seattle, figuratively and literally. I didn’t become okay with the process until the last day but I did it. I made it through that part of the process of the many emotions (anger, numbness, disappoint in others and myself, love, learning to love again, sadness, disgust, trust and joy.)

My best friend and I laughed and talked for hours before she took me to the airport. She had never hugged me like she did and I was so thankful she did because I knew she loved me and cared about what I was going through and getting ready to face. I felt bad she couldn’t come with me but in all honesty, this is something I had to do for me. She understood me. Here goes nothing.

When I finally arrived, after we drove to the airport, I was numb. I sat at the airport, numb. Got on the plain and was still unsure, scared. My mind was running but still. Landed and followed the signs to get to my Lyft. I sat in the back seat with a couple in silence.  Arrived at the Air BNB, numb. Numb, scared, lost and now the time is here. No turning back now.  I couldn’t believe I was doing this and by myself none the less. Goodnight Seattle!

 

Uncategorized

Beginning of Self Destruction

There was a moment when I was finding myself, after a horrible break up (don’t worry, we will get there). It felt great. I was learning to love myself all over again. Who knew that in the months to come, following a miscarriage, there would be illness lurking, three deaths, a break up and a mental breakdown. All within a years time.

There will be many blog posts, some of which are from my journal itself. I hope you are ready. Who am I kidding? I hope I am ready. Am I scared to put it our there, Yes! But if I could share this with people and they know they are not alone,  that is all that matters. Just to be able to help one person is all I want.

So we begin…

“Problems should be like speed bumps. You slow down just to get over it, but you don’t let it stop you from heading to your destination. — Sonya Parker

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