Finding Your Way

Finding Strength in Vulnerability

When push comes to shove, we all have to deal with our feelings and emotions. Even when we don’t want to deal. Life will make you deal. Today I was able to feel my feelings & deal with them. I felt so dirty today. I wanted to run away and couldn’t. My career is on the line. Knowing that people can come into your life & take things from you. Today I felt raped all over again. I gave myself to someone in ways I don’t know that I ever want again. I have never said this openly & so public. But when I was 13 years old I was raped twice by two seperate men and molested by my step dad. I have my way in life, for myself and to be loved. Today was the day I had to start dealing with it all over again. He took something from me that I can never get back. And now I have to be a strong, independent, driven woman. We lost our baby (Well I lost the baby, he never wanted kids) a year ago and I’ve had a hard time coping and could never find the words or strength to talk to him about it. I wish I would have because then we would, I would, be in a better place. The baby would have been one on April 1st. Today is the day, I begin to face everything again, head on.

-Finding Strength in Vulnerability

(Details will be in the memoir I hope to finish. It’s about the rape, molestation by the man my mom is still married to, living on my own at the age 17 after going through group homes and foster care, the physical abuse in a relationship and being hospitalized from it, loving a man and never being loved back and losing our baby that could have been.)

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Getting to Know Myself Through Seattle Part 1

Well, check that off a major bucket list! 1) Come on, it’s Seattle! 2) Getting to know yourself, while in Seattle. Wait! Let me say it again, GETTING TO KNOW YOURSELF, while in the Great Seattle! Let me remind you, I’m a native to the beautiful “Colorful Colorado.” Never have I come across such overwhelming feeling of emotion for beauty, morbid beauty, (I’ll explain later), self love, career, past faults and growth in so many aspects of my life. I was so angry going to Seattle, I didn’t want to go.

Being angry to go to the one place you have dreamed of was so confusing. I didn’t care to go through all of the emotions of all of the loss I had experienced in the past year and all of the possible loss I could face in the future. I was lost being in Seattle, figuratively and literally. I didn’t become okay with the process until the last day but I did it. I made it through that part of the process of the many emotions (anger, numbness, disappoint in others and myself, love, learning to love again, sadness, disgust, trust and joy.)

My best friend and I laughed and talked for hours before she took me to the airport. She had never hugged me like she did and I was so thankful she did because I knew she loved me and cared about what I was going through and getting ready to face. I felt bad she couldn’t come with me but in all honesty, this is something I had to do for me. She understood me. Here goes nothing.

When I finally arrived, after we drove to the airport, I was numb. I sat at the airport, numb. Got on the plain and was still unsure, scared. My mind was running but still. Landed and followed the signs to get to my Lyft. I sat in the back seat with a couple in silence.  Arrived at the Air BNB, numb. Numb, scared, lost and now the time is here. No turning back now.  I couldn’t believe I was doing this and by myself none the less. Goodnight Seattle!

 

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Beginning of Self Destruction

There was a moment when I was finding myself, after a horrible break up (don’t worry, we will get there). It felt great. I was learning to love myself all over again. Who knew that in the months to come, following a miscarriage, there would be illness lurking, three deaths, a break up and a mental breakdown. All within a years time.

There will be many blog posts, some of which are from my journal itself. I hope you are ready. Who am I kidding? I hope I am ready. Am I scared to put it our there, Yes! But if I could share this with people and they know they are not alone,  that is all that matters. Just to be able to help one person is all I want.

So we begin…

“Problems should be like speed bumps. You slow down just to get over it, but you don’t let it stop you from heading to your destination. — Sonya Parker

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