Finding Your Way

Letter to My Ex…Last Letter (Possibly)

Over the past seven years my ex would break up with me every three to six months and I always took him back. Despite never hearing the words “I love you”, never meeting his dad and him not taking me around friends, family or events, I always chose him because I believe relationships take work and he was my person even if I wasn’t his. The day finally came where I started to choose myself and he never looked back, he didn’t fight for us. I wrote him his last and final letter letting him know the realization I had after all of the emotional, narcissist abuse and how much I needed to choose me.

I contemplated if I would share the letter but then I realized I know I am not the only hurt soul out there that had been taken advantage of, manipulated, lost all self-worth and lied to throughout a relationship. I knew that I was not the only one who was a giver and their partners were takers. I want to give back and let people know it is okay to choose yourself. We often hope that when we choose ourselves that our life partner will be supportive, want to build with you but that wasn’t the point of the letter. The point was that I had come to a realization that no matter what I did, he wasn’t going to choose me, unless I was having sex with him and that was the extent of us. So here we go.

Dear Ex,

Just getting back from the gym. Sort of thankful you haven’t been there the past couple days. But also hoping you are at least working out at home. I know I shouldn’t care about what you are doing but no matter what, I care and love you dearly. I have always wanted what is best for you even though it may seem I don’t.

I got out of the shower, laid on my bed in my towel, played solitaire and things started flowing in my mind. A realization of us, of you, and who I am and who you are, and where we are in life. Where I want to be and whom I want.

I realized no matter what I did in the past or present or in the near future is going to make you ready or want a wife or someone love/caring/giving like me. No matter what I say or how I react (good or bad) is going to make you love me. No matter how much I do for you, us, our family, it won’t make you want to stay and be a better boyfriend/husband/lover or best friend.

I realized you aren’t ready. You want to be single. You want the opportunity to see if there is anything else out there (eventually). I realized that you are still that broken scared boy you were when we met. Trying to please everyone else (family, friends, society norms) and not wanting to grow (really grow) to fix himself. And maybe I am wrong in all my thoughts but I guess we (I) will never know because you chose to go have dinner& beers on Monday, you chose not to call me back like you said you would on Tuesday, you chose to ignore my texts (sometime, most of the time, it’s my way of crying out, reaching out to you!), you chose to ignore the email invites.

There is NOTHING I can say, do, cry, act out, for you. For someone who isn’t ready. For someone who doesn’t actually feel in love. For someone who carries anger and disgust for someone they once loved. For someone that worry’s about what his friends and family will think. For someone who has never actually chosen me. I CHOSE YOU! You NEVER actually ever chose me.

I can’t continue to love someone more than they love themselves. With me loving and giving you so much, I was giving away the self-love and taking away from myself. I kept wondering why I had so little self-worth. It’s because I was giving away so much of myself, physically, emotionally, monetarily, that I had nothing else to give. And I wasn’t getting those things back in return to satisfy my needs and hunger or drive.

I have learned that my tank was almost empty. (Hence my suicidal thoughts.) I needed you! I needed you to be there, be supportive, love, give, even an ounce of what I was giving you. And you couldn’t.

I am really sorry that this is so heavy. That we couldn’t talk, that I couldn’t hold you while you cried these past couple of days. But you were already grieving s relationship that was over and didn’t want me or need me to hold you (Hence your silence lately), you were trying to be strong to let me walk away or gain the courage to walk away yourself. You have felt this way since the beginning of 2019. It was either go all on, ask me to move in or walk away, it just so happen, I flipped out April 2019, to make it easy for you and we never recovered. I kept trying and you were guarded and by the time I was ready, you became guarded.

I wanted, was hoping, these talks would come to the conclusion that we were in love and want to help each other while we work on ourselves, our relationship, careers, business, etc. Finally jump into the pool of vulnerability.

That day, that talk, that safeness never came. And how could it? Especially when there is an unwilling partner.

I realized today, I am in love with you. Madly, deeply in love with you and myself. This is why I fight everyday for us but most importantly, MYSELF!

I deserve to live. I deserve to have love in my life. I deserve to be a warrior and not feel like a survivor. I deserve to feel safe in the world and in my own home. But most of all, I deserve gratitude and respect. So, I realize, today, I choose me. My future partner. The person that allows me to love myself, him, family, friends and so much more. The person that will CHOOSE me, for me. Truly accept me and my flaws. But for NOW, I am choosing, ME!

Love, Kass XoXo

Letter to my ex written in October 2021 after trying for 2years and 6 months to fix the relationship and couples therapy.

The realization that I didn’t have a choice but to walk away was so hard and really heartbreaking. Especially after fighting for the love of my life for seven years. But I realized it was very one sided. I was in love with him and he cared for me. He (we) really enjoyed our sex life. “I don’t want to sleep with anyone other than you”, He said. Maybe that is all we were these past few months since we split in June. I don’t know why we kept “trying” other than the sex and comfort on his end.

Perspective is the way we see things when we look at them from a certain distance and it allows us to appreciate their true value.

Rafeal E. Pino

Do you know what the hardest part in all of this is? Not knowing all of your own faults, remembering that it takes two people in any relationship. I most definitely have to blame myself too. For the reactions to his actions or lack there of. Also for staying in the relationship so long without sticking to my boundaries and things I felt I deserved.

Through this I have learned so much so I don’t regret any part of this. I actually am learning to give myself grace through this. I am learning to love myself again and believe it or not I love and respect my ex a hell of a lot more for the lessons I have learned and for helping me see where I go wrong in life. Changing your thought process to see the bigger picture isn’t easy. Though remembering that like relationships and friendships, being the best version of yourself today for tomorrow, also takes work.

Whatever the case I am taking steps and putting in the work for myself to continue to grow, looking at my faults and push myself beyond comfort. The best realization I have had in a very long time. Sadly but happily, this is my last letter to you, my greatest love, well possibly.

Finding Your Way, self growth

Loving Between The Lines

We all hear the phrase, “Reading Between the Lines” but we never think about loving between the lines. What if we stopped, just take a step back in situations? Whether at work or if your in a relationship or single, take time for yourself. Take time to love yourself and when you do this, you will realize a bigger picture. The things we often forget. The things we often don’t realize.

I was in a relationship for almost five years and we had our issues. The most disturbing and hurtful issue that caused part of the end of our relationship was that he never told me he loved me and I didn’t feel like he showed me or ever chose me. He never said how we were going to build our future. I knew what I wanted and I expressed it on top of showing him love. He always tells me that he was showing me. (Yes, we still talk, for now.) To me, he was an amazing and caring person so none of that mattered because that was already him and I didn’t see a difference.

We saw each other recently and spent a couple hours together. We were supposed to talk and I couldn’t really say what was on my mind. I just wanted him there and not disturb the quite and love we were sharing. I was afraid of his answers, his reaction. Driving away was so hard. I felt like we just broke up all over again. So when I woke up the next morning, I felt heartbroken all over again. I was heartbroken because I was realizing that I may have to walk away from him for good. All because I couldn’t love between the lines or communicate.

He loved me, he fell in love with me at some point and in the thick of the relationship, I didn’t realize he fell. Taking a step back and going through the emotions, I realized, HE DID. As I was telling my best friend how I knew he loved me, the feelings resonated deeper inside me. When he would call me, “Lovely”, that was his way of saying “I love you!” I was so hell bent on hearing the words, I Love You, that I didn’t stop to think, this was HIS way of telling me. How many other ways were there in my life that I had done this? In my relationships, in my career or friendship or even with myself.

I started to love myself and listen to my inner thoughts, my inner voice and love myself between the lines. I started to pick apart the love within myself. Now that I am doing this, so many things are becoming clearer. This morning, sitting in the drive through of Starbucks crying, not wanting to go to the office, I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling. I am learning to love myself between the lines. Taking time!

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Finding Your Way

Past Years Deaths turned Strength

Never in my life did I think that I would go through so much in a eight month span, better yet a whole year or so of tragic and mentally straining events. In that time I went through a miscarriage after a break up (don’t worry, one day I will write about him), and three people I cared about and loved passed away. Death has always been of major fear of mine. Not so much me dying but others around me and it happened and I didn’t know how to cope and felt like I didn’t have anyone to turn to.

In March 2018, my grandmother passed away. She was the most beautiful and fierce woman I knew. She and my grandfather had their own battles through marriage and it made her a great mother and grandmother for it. They were married until the day she passed (I guess they still are in death). She helped raise me before I went into group homes and foster care. So, her passing made it that much harder on me. I felt like I was going to for sure be alone in this world. That, I was not okay with.

In April 2018, our unborn child would have been born and my friend Laura committed suicide. I couldn’t even bring myself to go to her vigil or funeral. I hadn’t even began to deal with my grandma being gone.

In May 2018, after coming back from an eventful Memorial Day camping trip (that is a story in itself), I found out that they had found my cousin downtown Denver, dead from a drug overdose. I was so beyond numb at this point, I was in rage, disbelief, hurt, alone and grasping at every emotion I could to stay alive.

To this day, it is a battle. My grandma’s death anniversary came and went. I couldn’t deal with it. The guy I was dating at the time was dealing with his own battles. So here I was figuring out my own emotions. It finally all hit me when I realized that our child would have been one. And I know most are probably saying owe well it wasn’t even a baby, it was just a fetus. But for me, that was a future, that was going to be a human being I could raise the right way, a love I could have as my own and share. I have my tubes tied and I am not supposed to get pregnant so for me, it was everything. At the time, everything I wanted and with Mike none the less. He would have made a wonderful father. A choice that wasn’t even mine to keep.

Now Laura, this hit me harder than I thought it would but I think it was because I tried committing suicide in my early 20s and now I was able to see what it did to people. Leaving them behind, struggling financially and struggling mentally. But no one really knows what people are going through. We are all so self involved. I think we try to ask for help in our own ways and when we don’t feel heard, we make bad choices.

My cousin, oh how I miss him dearly. I miss his slanted smile and us playing at grandmas house. My grandma helped raise me, my brother, my cousin and his brother. He was like a brother to me and we were only a year apart. I just wish we would have stayed closer to each other. Maybe I could have been there for him the way I need(ed) someone to be there for me.

Through all of these events and emotions, I am pushing through to find the strength to go on and build myself up. I want to be strong and grow so I can help others. I am dedicated to being committed to myself and being a beautiful, strong, more loving woman. If it weren’t for this past year and all the death, a guy who couldn’t love me or wouldn’t, the miscarriage, the sexual harassment in the work place, I wouldn’t be here striving and growing in my career and as a human being.

There is usually light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to see it within yourself and grow from it. Take all the bad and try to turn it around. It isn’t easy and it takes a lot (A LOT) of practice. If you want it bad enough, you will thrive and have the strength in the end to push forward and make the best for yourself.

-Find Your Inner Strength or Find Someone to Give you a Boost along the way.

Finding Your Way

Finding Strength in Vulnerability

When push comes to shove, we all have to deal with our feelings and emotions. Even when we don’t want to deal. Life will make you deal. Today I was able to feel my feelings & deal with them. I felt so dirty today. I wanted to run away and couldn’t. My career is on the line. Knowing that people can come into your life & take things from you. Today I felt raped all over again. I gave myself to someone in ways I don’t know that I ever want again. I have never said this openly & so public. But when I was 13 years old I was raped twice by two seperate men and molested by my step dad in the same year. I have my way in life, for myself and to be loved. Today was the day I had to start dealing with it all over again. He took something from me that I can never get back. And now I have to be a strong, independent, driven woman. We lost our baby (Well I lost the baby, he never wanted kids) a year ago and I’ve had a hard time coping and could never find the words or strength to talk to him about it. I wish I would have because then we would, I would, be in a better place. The baby would have been one on April 1st. Today is the day, I begin to face everything again, head on.

-Finding Strength in Vulnerability

(Details will be in the memoir I hope to finish. It’s about the rape, molestation by the man my mom is still married to, living on my own at the age 17 after going through group homes and foster care, the physical abuse in a relationship and being hospitalized from it, loving a man and never being loved back and losing our baby that could have been.)

woman sitting in front of tree
Photo by Caique Silva on Pexels.com

Uncategorized

Hanging On to Myself

I’m sitting here looking out the kitchen window, looking at the snow and the mountains behind my car. It hits me. I am accomplishing things. I have a nice car, a job, a place to live. But none of that is enough. I’ve learned a lot. I’m not enough. What I have is not enough. I know what I want and who I want but can’t seem to have that. Why can’t I just be free like the Magpie out by my car or better yet the Adonis. I just want to be free, I want to be loved. I don’t want to hurt anymore. Everything was going good, okay, I guess. After all these years I finally find out I’ve been giving myself to some one that didn’t love me. Didn’t “know if he did”. After over 4 1/2 years, you would know. (And you wonder why I was so insecure of us, you told me you loved me 3 times in our relationship, THREE times). The things I’ve told him, the times we shared, the growth we have given each other, the love I gave him, the time I gave. The only thing I ever wanted was his love. Unconditional, un-denying, overwhelming love. I gave myself sexually and did things I never thought I could. He didn’t know that the 2nd time I was raped, it was anally. But I trusted him. I thought he was my one. Maybe I’m the stupid one here. Maybe Marissa was right. Trust No One. I want this pain to go away and I honestly thought that it would after coming up here. But I woke up in even more pain from the realization. I hope writing these thoughts down help me today. I don’t know how much I have left in me with these tears.

-The One In Pain

-K

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Photo By Kass overlooking Grand Lake