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Hanging On to Myself

I’m sitting here looking out the kitchen window, looking at the snow and the mountains behind my car. It hits me. I am accomplishing things. I have a nice car, a job, a place to live. But none of that is enough. I’ve learned a lot. I’m not enough. What I have is not enough. I know what I want and who I want but can’t seem to have that. Why can’t I just be free like the Magpie out by my car or better yet the Adonis. I just want to be free, I want to be loved. I don’t want to hurt anymore. Everything was going good, okay, I guess. After all these years I finally find out I’ve been giving myself to some one that didn’t love me. Didn’t “know if he did”. After over 4 1/2 years, you would know. (And you wonder why I was so insecure of us, you told me you loved me 3 times in our relationship, THREE times). The things I’ve told him, the times we shared, the growth we have given each other, the love I gave him, the time I gave. The only thing I ever wanted was his love. Unconditional, un-denying, overwhelming love. I gave myself sexually and did things I never thought I could. He didn’t know that the 2nd time I was raped, it was anally. But I trusted him. I thought he was my one. Maybe I’m the stupid one here. Maybe Marissa was right. Trust No One. I want this pain to go away and I honestly thought that it would after coming up here. But I woke up in even more pain from the realization. I hope writing these thoughts down help me today. I don’t know how much I have left in me with these tears.

-The One In Pain

-K

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Photo By Kass overlooking Grand Lake

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Thoughts To Begin Journey

So, I have learned that I want to tell my story. The good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing and shameful but to do that and help people, I have to start with me. I want to start doing Life Coaching and start my journey helping people. These are just my thoughts to help me begin…

  • -It’s okay to dream
  • -It’s okay to put yourself out there. (Not everyone will agree but that’s okay.)
  • -I want to succeed – you will succeed.
  • -I’m afraid to succeed – It’s okay to fail
  • -I’m afraid to fail – Just start over again.
  • -Put up post it’s of reminders.
    • Bali Trip
    • Invest money
    • Pay off debit (just do it)
    • Push yourself
  • Meal prep
  • Work out, even if it is at home.
  • Stay late at work at least 1x a week. Push to be the best you can in your career.
  • Finish the damn book (memoir)
  • Do your crafts

-To the One Taking Steps

 

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Unreal Feelings.. Is it Real?

So…It’s been a while. It’s been up and downs. I am very thankful for the things that have been happening. I find myself lately, falling more for him than I ever knew possible. And it scares me. I had been thinking about walking away but all of the actions lately have been everything I have ever wanted. I know we aren’t where I would like to be. But he feels so good. I find myself so anxious, almost sick to my stomach excited to see him or even talk to him. Is this really it. Is it finally happening? I guess we will see. I will keep trying and do my best and be the best for him.

– K

-P.S. It feels so unreal.

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Long Time Coming

I am feeling good about my personal life. My friendships are growing strong along with my relationship. Which is amazing. It’s an emotion I didn’t know I I would ever feel again. It’s been a hard year but going through everything has been a blessing. I am so thankful to be where I am. To love myself again. It’s been such a long time.

-New Beginnings

(It is okay to start over. It is okay to have pain. It is rewarding when you go through things, the hardest of them all and fight through the pain and remember the good and the love you feel)

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Getting to Know Myself Through Seattle Part 1

Well, check that off a major bucket list! 1) Come on, it’s Seattle! 2) Getting to know yourself, while in Seattle. Wait! Let me say it again, GETTING TO KNOW YOURSELF, while in the Great Seattle! Let me remind you, I’m a native to the beautiful “Colorful Colorado.” Never have I come across such overwhelming feeling of emotion for beauty, morbid beauty, (I’ll explain later), self love, career, past faults and growth in so many aspects of my life. I was so angry going to Seattle, I didn’t want to go.

Being angry to go to the one place you have dreamed of was so confusing. I didn’t care to go through all of the emotions of all of the loss I had experienced in the past year and all of the possible loss I could face in the future. I was lost being in Seattle, figuratively and literally. I didn’t become okay with the process until the last day but I did it. I made it through that part of the process of the many emotions (anger, numbness, disappoint in others and myself, love, learning to love again, sadness, disgust, trust and joy.)

My best friend and I laughed and talked for hours before she took me to the airport. She had never hugged me like she did and I was so thankful she did because I knew she loved me and cared about what I was going through and getting ready to face. I felt bad she couldn’t come with me but in all honesty, this is something I had to do for me. She understood me. Here goes nothing.

When I finally arrived, after we drove to the airport, I was numb. I sat at the airport, numb. Got on the plain and was still unsure, scared. My mind was running but still. Landed and followed the signs to get to my Lyft. I sat in the back seat with a couple in silence.  Arrived at the Air BNB, numb. Numb, scared, lost and now the time is here. No turning back now.  I couldn’t believe I was doing this and by myself none the less. Goodnight Seattle!