Through all of these many years I have hung onto the things that have happened to me and others. Causing pain to others and myself. For so long I didn’t realize it was even happening and what was being caused. I continue to talk about the past year and a half because that was a major turning point in reality for me.
It wasn’t the rape, the molestation, group homes, foster care, losing and letting go of three precious human beings or the physical abuse. It was the the miscarriage, the deaths, the suicide, the sexual harrasment and not being able to talk through it. Maybe it was because these aren’t easy topics, maybe it’s because I don’t know how to or the fear of being judge and ridiculed.
No matter the case, the added weight of all of the trauma leading up to now sat with me. Weighing me down in life, my career, my friendships and relationships. The lack of trust in myself manifested and bled into my relationship(s). Oh how I wish I could take so many things back but I can’t and I have to learn to let go, accept and defeat.
I want to let go of the pain and I know it’ll take many steps and time.
I have a couple of girlfriends that have also gone through breaks; one recent and one a couple years ago. One was able to start dating/new realtionship a month after many years being in a relationship and found an amazing man that supports her. The other broke up with her guy a couple years ago and still doesn’t want to be in a relationship. (Love and Fear are strong and powerful)
What I am getting at here is that some can let go and drop the weight, some mask and some never get over the emotion of the past issues or realtionships therefore hindering your future actions and decisions and some do all three.
A friend recently told me it’s totally okay to feel what I am feeling. That it is okay to not be ready, that it is not easy to forgive or move on. Take my time. And that means the relationship I had was real, along with my feelings and it’s okay.
So I went on a date since the recent break up. I wanted to know where I was emotionally. Pushing myself, like always. This journey is going to be harder than I thought. I am in love still and I live in fear of other men. Dealing with the sexual harrasment recently brought up a ton of sexual abuse issues on top of being cat called all of the time and having my ex’s friend try to get me to sleep with him. It makes me question my worth as I already did. Hense why I always needed reassurance from my ex in our relationship. I’m not ready to date, be with anyone sexually. And that’s okay.
I am traumatized!
I am also very devoted to the person I loved and myself. I trust that my heart and working through the emotions/issues will help me grow and not carry so much weight. Who knew the the sex abuse and choices I have made would cause this much pain, not only for myself but for those I care about and will/have been apart of my life. I will be able to show my beauty without being afraid, without being ashamed of always being sexualized, with true love from myself and hope that I will have the support, loyalty and dedication from a true love one day.
….Letting Go & Putting the Weights Down