Over the past seven years my ex would break up with me every three to six months and I always took him back. Despite never hearing the words “I love you”, never meeting his dad and him not taking me around friends, family or events, I always chose him because I believe relationships take work and he was my person even if I wasn’t his. The day finally came where I started to choose myself and he never looked back, he didn’t fight for us. I wrote him his last and final letter letting him know the realization I had after all of the emotional, narcissist abuse and how much I needed to choose me.
I contemplated if I would share the letter but then I realized I know I am not the only hurt soul out there that had been taken advantage of, manipulated, lost all self-worth and lied to throughout a relationship. I knew that I was not the only one who was a giver and their partners were takers. I want to give back and let people know it is okay to choose yourself. We often hope that when we choose ourselves that our life partner will be supportive, want to build with you but that wasn’t the point of the letter. The point was that I had come to a realization that no matter what I did, he wasn’t going to choose me, unless I was having sex with him and that was the extent of us. So here we go.
Just getting back from the gym. Sort of thankful you haven’t been there the past couple days. But also hoping you are at least working out at home. I know I shouldn’t care about what you are doing but no matter what, I care and love you dearly. I have always wanted what is best for you even though it may seem I don’t.
I got out of the shower, laid on my bed in my towel, played solitaire and things started flowing in my mind. A realization of us, of you, and who I am and who you are, and where we are in life. Where I want to be and whom I want.
I realized no matter what I did in the past or present or in the near future is going to make you ready or want a wife or someone love/caring/giving like me. No matter what I say or how I react (good or bad) is going to make you love me. No matter how much I do for you, us, our family, it won’t make you want to stay and be a better boyfriend/husband/lover or best friend.
I realized you aren’t ready. You want to be single. You want the opportunity to see if there is anything else out there (eventually). I realized that you are still that broken scared boy you were when we met. Trying to please everyone else (family, friends, society norms) and not wanting to grow (really grow) to fix himself. And maybe I am wrong in all my thoughts but I guess we (I) will never know because you chose to go have dinner& beers on Monday, you chose not to call me back like you said you would on Tuesday, you chose to ignore my texts (sometime, most of the time, it’s my way of crying out, reaching out to you!), you chose to ignore the email invites.
There is NOTHING I can say, do, cry, act out, for you. For someone who isn’t ready. For someone who doesn’t actually feel in love. For someone who carries anger and disgust for someone they once loved. For someone that worry’s about what his friends and family will think. For someone who has never actually chosen me. I CHOSE YOU! You NEVER actually ever chose me.
I can’t continue to love someone more than they love themselves. With me loving and giving you so much, I was giving away the self-love and taking away from myself. I kept wondering why I had so little self-worth. It’s because I was giving away so much of myself, physically, emotionally, monetarily, that I had nothing else to give. And I wasn’t getting those things back in return to satisfy my needs and hunger or drive.
I have learned that my tank was almost empty. (Hence my suicidal thoughts.) I needed you! I needed you to be there, be supportive, love, give, even an ounce of what I was giving you. And you couldn’t.
I am really sorry that this is so heavy. That we couldn’t talk, that I couldn’t hold you while you cried these past couple of days. But you were already grieving s relationship that was over and didn’t want me or need me to hold you (Hence your silence lately), you were trying to be strong to let me walk away or gain the courage to walk away yourself. You have felt this way since the beginning of 2019. It was either go all on, ask me to move in or walk away, it just so happen, I flipped out April 2019, to make it easy for you and we never recovered. I kept trying and you were guarded and by the time I was ready, you became guarded.
I wanted, was hoping, these talks would come to the conclusion that we were in love and want to help each other while we work on ourselves, our relationship, careers, business, etc. Finally jump into the pool of vulnerability.
That day, that talk, that safeness never came. And how could it? Especially when there is an unwilling partner.
I realized today, I am in love with you. Madly, deeply in love with you and myself. This is why I fight everyday for us but most importantly, MYSELF!
I deserve to live. I deserve to have love in my life. I deserve to be a warrior and not feel like a survivor. I deserve to feel safe in the world and in my own home. But most of all, I deserve gratitude and respect. So, I realize, today, I choose me. My future partner. The person that allows me to love myself, him, family, friends and so much more. The person that will CHOOSE me, for me. Truly accept me and my flaws. But for NOW, I am choosing, ME!
Love, Kass XoXoLetter to my ex written in October 2021 after trying for 2years and 6 months to fix the relationship and couples therapy.
The realization that I didn’t have a choice but to walk away was so hard and really heartbreaking. Especially after fighting for the love of my life for seven years. But I realized it was very one sided. I was in love with him and he cared for me. He (we) really enjoyed our sex life. “I don’t want to sleep with anyone other than you”, He said. Maybe that is all we were these past few months since we split in June. I don’t know why we kept “trying” other than the sex and comfort on his end.
Perspective is the way we see things when we look at them from a certain distance and it allows us to appreciate their true value.Rafeal E. Pino
Do you know what the hardest part in all of this is? Not knowing all of your own faults, remembering that it takes two people in any relationship. I most definitely have to blame myself too. For the reactions to his actions or lack there of. Also for staying in the relationship so long without sticking to my boundaries and things I felt I deserved.
Through this I have learned so much so I don’t regret any part of this. I actually am learning to give myself grace through this. I am learning to love myself again and believe it or not I love and respect my ex a hell of a lot more for the lessons I have learned and for helping me see where I go wrong in life. Changing your thought process to see the bigger picture isn’t easy. Though remembering that like relationships and friendships, being the best version of yourself today for tomorrow, also takes work.
Whatever the case I am taking steps and putting in the work for myself to continue to grow, looking at my faults and push myself beyond comfort. The best realization I have had in a very long time. Sadly but happily, this is my last letter to you, my greatest love, well possibly.