Uncategorized

Hanging On to Myself

I’m sitting here looking out the kitchen window, looking at the snow and the mountains behind my car. It hits me. I am accomplishing things. I have a nice car, a job, a place to live. But none of that is enough. I’ve learned a lot. I’m not enough. What I have is not enough. I know what I want and who I want but can’t seem to have that. Why can’t I just be free like the Magpie out by my car or better yet the Adonis. I just want to be free, I want to be loved. I don’t want to hurt anymore. Everything was going good, okay, I guess. After all these years I finally find out I’ve been giving myself to some one that didn’t love me. Didn’t “know if he did”. After over 4 1/2 years, you would know. (And you wonder why I was so insecure of us, you told me you loved me 3 times in our relationship, THREE times). The things I’ve told him, the times we shared, the growth we have given each other, the love I gave him, the time I gave. The only thing I ever wanted was his love. Unconditional, un-denying, overwhelming love. I gave myself sexually and did things I never thought I could. He didn’t know that the 2nd time I was raped, it was anally. But I trusted him. I thought he was my one. Maybe I’m the stupid one here. Maybe Marissa was right. Trust No One. I want this pain to go away and I honestly thought that it would after coming up here. But I woke up in even more pain from the realization. I hope writing these thoughts down help me today. I don’t know how much I have left in me with these tears.

-The One In Pain

-K

IMG_1241

Photo By Kass overlooking Grand Lake

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s